Simple counterintuitive fix

Chances are, you’re a selfish person. And rightfully so!

Life is hard and there is no free lunch.

There’s a counterintuitive way to fix this.

You can stop white-knuckling your way through life & get your entire network to help you instead.

In fact, I, a 22 year-old early-career-in-tech individual

landed a job (and many interviews)
made multiple great connections
am happier

By using this technique.

The people who get the most are the ones who give *before* they know what they’ll get back.

In my case, I built a bunch of useful tools for people before I asked if they’d like to hire me, or to get to know them.

It’s let me access people way out of my network.

When Sam tweeted asking for a tool, I just built it for him.

Sure, I had an ulterior motive—I wanted to talk to him (I’m a fan of the MFM podcast).

However, by creating the tool, I:

Created value for Sam. Even if he doesn’t regularly use the tool it showed him it’s possible
Was asked to build another tool for Hampton
Gained AI Engineering skills
Earned a spotlight on a newsletter

Put another way, giving lets you create an environment where 1 + 1 > 2.

Adam Grant says it best in his book Give & Take:

“You don’t have to be a “selfless giver” that never asks anything in return. Otherish givers are able to think in more complex ways and identify win-win solutions that both takers and selfless givers miss. Instead of just giving away value like selfless givers, otherish givers create value first. By the time they give slices of pie away, the entire pie is big enough that there’s plenty left to claim for themselves: they can give more AND take more.”

A “selfless giver” is one that gives too much, to the wrong people, and gets walked over.

An “otherish giver” sees an opportunity

Favors rarely cost the exact same amount they are worth.

An introduction to a hiring manager might cost you five minutes of typing, but it could secure the other person a career-defining role.

If you demand a favor of equal value in return before you make the introduction, that massive value is never created.

Objection: isn’t this just the same as doing everyone a bunch of favors and calling it in later?

Yes, but the difference is authenticity. In this situation, you don’t give someone less just because you think they can’t help you in the future.

You don’t do mental calculations before you help someone - but you also don’t kill yourself trying to help them.

Objection: how can I give when I am the one that’s struggling?

From Think Like a Monk by Jay Shetty:

“‘Jay, I’m the one who needs help! I have so much to figure out before I can devote myself to helping others.’ It’s true. It’s hard to think about selflessness when we are struggling. And yet that is exactly what I learned as a monk.”

Chicken and egg problem. You wanna give first or get first?

If you wait till you get - you’re letting the universe take you along for a ride.

If you give first, you exert just a little bit of control & invite a little bit more luck into your life.

Counter objection: But how does that matter? At the end of the day isn’t it about me and what I get? I’m the one struggling.

Now if you’re truly struggling (e.g. I can’t afford dinner today), this advice doesn’t apply to you. But chances are, you’re stressed about rent, anxious about career, worried about the future.

That’s real, but it’s not the same thing. And somewhere between “I can’t eat” and “I’m thriving” is a middle ground where people tell themselves they’re in survival mode when they actually have margin & they’re just scared—which is super real, and I can relate.

Just give it a shot before you discard it.

Objection: I tried giving and it didn’t pay off.

Sometimes it won’t, and that’s why the “give” shouldn’t be huge in the beginning.

Start small and scale it up.

Then you know who’s willing to build a long-term relationship based on trust.

It works when giving is the default.

If you give to 10 people and 2 become champions for you, that beats giving to 0.

Next time you see someone (even a stranger) asking for help, you don’t need to build them a whole tool like a did for Sam (that’s risky), but at least send them a useful message.

See how you can be helpful, proactively, not just when someone asks you for a favor.

Don’t see how you can get something back.

It can be as small as truly listening to someone without interjecting with your own problems.

Just be useful for the sake of being useful.

Create some value. Be indispensible. Be a linchpin.

Do your best—but don’t become a doormat either.